Things I wish someone told me when I was pregnant

1. Those maternity pants are going no where. Oh and there's no way in hell you're going to fit in to those size small disposable pants, that butt is not gonna suddenly shrink back down once he's out love.

2. That first pee will hurt. Just go in the shower, it's worth it.

3. Stock up on pain killers, do you really think you're not gonna tear after forcing that giant head out of there?

4. The epidural will numb your right leg for ages. Don't even bother trying to walk unassisted to the toilet...you will fall.

5. Your baby will be obsessed with boob. It will feel like all you ever do is feed. Your boobs are just food sacks for the tiny dictator.

6. He will come out of your beautifully sterile womb to a world full of nasty crap in the air - he will get spots just like a teenager. But it's cool, they don't last long. 

7. He won't be able to control his eyes - he will look like an alien.

8. Your milk makers will be huge, sensitive and leaking - stock up on reusable breast pads (the disposables will fold over and scratch your cracked nipples whilst letting milk leak out).

9. Keep a bottle of water and some snacks close by, breastfeeding is thirsty work and you really need energy.

10. Your baby will scream every evening from 5pm-9pm without fail until he is approximately 12 weeks old. - It's called colic and it's normal, apparently, although you will feel like you are dieing inside.

11.  Don't be so hard on yourself. Your body just did some amazing things, there is nothing wrong with those stretch marks, saggy bits and the extra chub. 

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